Thursday, October 13, 2011

Brain Blocks (Poem)

Sometimes a page is like a blank wall,
concrete-hard and unyielding,
cocky when you smash into it headlong,
jeering when you stumble backwards from its blank face.

I never know if other people have this problem,
this word challenge,
or if they have given up and lay there after their fall.
I never know why some words become scribbled messes
on the wall's blank slate,
or if it's rain or tears making the ink drip.

Other times,
I see kids playing handball on my wall,
smacking and thwacking its plaster 'till it crumbles.
I stare at them to stop,
malevolence and defeat mixing around their exercise.
Still, the wall empties out its occupants at dusk
and I am again alone with a dusty pen
lifeless from disuse.

Still other moments
I cover this wall with words,
using only a highlighter.
When that same dusk shifts into midnight jet
I flick a black-light on and watch the words jump to life!
Yet, morning brings a blank slate,
concrete-hard, unyielding
chuckling at the red cracks appearing slowly on my palm,
fanning out with ever frustrating slap.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Chapter 11: War Cage

Climbing through the false ceiling of my old boarding school seems a surprisingly grand idea even now. It's a wonder I didn't get kicked out for those moonlit roof capers, and certainly I would not be where I am now if I had.

Yet, there they are; tiny memories that carry a terribly heavy weight, and an even brighter light. If you were to wander through the corridors of my brain (I do not suggest this) you would eventually stumble on a door with locks that appear well used and oiled yet are there merely to fool the passerby. These doors are far more forbidden than one would guess, which I suppose is the reason it has taken me fifteen years to put some of them on paper. Are they sinister? Funny? Dramatic? Spicy? Maybe a mixture of all, like the final moment I finished carving, gluing, sanding and veneering my mom's coat-peg rack, a project which cost me far more than the sweat which dripped down onto the wood shavings pile. Or maybe the memories just stick out of the floor in the room like sharp chipped teeth, and it's too dangerous to walk around. I don't know. But here are a few for you to...chew on.

My sixth grade friend Jeremy was not normal. Nor was I for that matter. My semi-wavy walnut-brown hair was parted on the side, combed over on a normal basis according to the dictated style of our boarding school boy's dorm regulars. I had lanky arms and legs, not quite tall, not quite short. My eyes saw everything, I never stopped moving. Jeremy didn't either.

After all, he was the one that suggested taking the bows and arrows from our Amazonian Yanumami dorm-mates, and attempting to shoot them over a hundred yards into an oncoming lane of traffic. Or, another day, my companion to the live feed store to buy chicken hatch-lings in order to feed our dorm's pet boa constrictor: Alex.

He also came up with the idea of taking rasparaspas, a mini cherry bomb of sorts, filling large aluminum cans (think restaurant-sized drums of sunflower oil) with about ten of these fireworks and then hunting for wood cockroaches. These specific species of cockroach can easily reach 4'' in length, down in the tropics, and move soporifically between molding and wall as if they are too good to be caught. Wrong. Jeremy and I caught a half-dozen of these behemoths, tipped them into the cans and watched excitedly for a few moments while they explored the patiently waiting explosives.

With that fevered look of anticipation so often accompanying two young boys ready to do something stupid, we lit the string connecting all the rasparaspas, capped the can tightly and ran for our lives. The fact that tiny pieces of metal shrapnel impaled themselves into the board we hid behind, or laced a small section of the basketball court wall with shards did nothing to dampen the thrill. My next statement, 'now let's climb that tree over there! I've heard if you get to the top the branches sway back and forth enough that you almost fall,' came a few seconds after examining the charred remains of the can, which held no traces of fireworks or cockroaches.

'Where'dju here that?' Jeremy asked me suspiciously.

'From myself, obviously,' I replied, with that crooked grin which comes after spilling a secret you've held too long. Like lightning, bugs and bombs forgotten, we were shinnying up the tall pine without a thought in the world except who would crown himself height-king first. This was life with Jeremy. Death, danger, fire, poison and sound were our everyday cravings. The day I got lost in The Pines, a lonely forest which served as the location for some of our night-time dorm games, who do you think was my partner? Whose eyes do you think gleamed asking how long I thought it would take for the chaperones to find us? Who do you think agreed wholeheartedly when I suggested leaning out over Mt. Baldy's steepest ledge as far as possible? This, on a mountain where such slow, steady and calm hills meandered to the top only to arrive where deceptively precarious ledges and ridges pocked the top of Baldy's crown. Jeremy of course. And it was there we found the largest, hairiest wolf spider we had ever seen. Think tea saucer size.

On previous 'hunting' excursions around our dormitory grounds, Jeremy and I had found a half-dozen wolf spiders between old chunks of cinder block and rotten pieces of wood. This spider exceeded those by double. Ecstatic at our find, we whipped out the small insect kit we always kept handy, and with little difficulty trapped the insect who appeared to be lazily soaking in some sun on a rock. Peculiar habit, but poor choice of time and place. Hours later, back in our dorm room, we uncapped the 30 gallon terrarium converted aquarium, and gently slid out our find onto the blanket of rotted leaves and earwigs below. Instantly fearful of their newest 'neighbor', the current resident spiders scuttled off into corners of safety. Our eyes, glued now to the side of the glass cage, couldn't help but get bored after a few minutes of inactivity on all fronts.

'What this needs is some competition,' Jeremy stated in a way indicative of trouble around the corner. 'C'mon, let's let them rest, I have an idea.'

The long hallways of our dorm, oddly decorated in whole-wall murals of forest and sky, were lined on the bottom with thick rubber molding. This would be all and good, save the fact that the old glue connecting them securely to the wall had long ago cracked and dried, leaving large sections hanging loosely an inch or so from the wall. An ideal place for an insect to hide. Such as the seven inch long electric orange, black and yellow millipede we found lurking in the corner between kitchen and living room.

'Bonanza...' Jeremy whispered quietly, as we slowly lowered the trap over its curving body. In retrospect, I'm impressed we did not get stung, whipped or crawled upon by this insect with mind-boggling speed. Perhaps actions like this can only be accomplished with the feeling of invulnerability cut off so often by an exit from childhood. Either way, we had him slithering and squirming around our trapped container so fast it was difficult to follow him with our eyes. Moments later, before our dorm dad Uncle Doug (Uncle Bug depending on who you asked) came tramping out to bellow at us through his lumberjack beard, we had escaped to our room and were greedily opening the lid of the aquarium in a state of what can only be called a frenzy. Out slid the millipede and its deadly colors, hiding carefully behind a rock and leaves strewn around the edges. For the most part, the wolf spiders remained calm, though one decided to test the edges of spider territory and quickly succumbed to the millipede's lethal attack.

'Whoaaaaaa' we said in unison, as the millipede receded back into shadows leaving the quivering spider where it lay dying.

'So fast...' I muttered, half fearful half in awe of what we had created. 'I wonder who will be left tomorrow?'

Without hesitation, 'Spider. For sure. It has to be,' replied Jeremy, tapping gently on the side of the tank to aggravate the millipede into another attack. We did not have to wait long. 

I nearly forgot my backpack, didn't shower and left half-dressed to school the following morning as I stood enraptured in front of the war cage, embalmed and dessicated insects strewing the landscape. Our mountain friend stood champion, alone in a corner as if contemplating how such a marvelously fast insect had come to be in his arena. Sticking out of a tightly spun cocoon was the millipede's forked end, food for the wolf's thought.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Simply smiling (Poem)

A smile can split a day,
or sew it back together
like a jigsaw puzzle that has lost its piece.

A smile can be like lightning,
and strike randomly in a dark moment
where soaking rain covers joy.

A smile can be tight
like a jelly jar lid
and hold in crumpled hours
of sadness and confusion
or happiness and affection.

A smile can jump up and down in rain puddles,
like yours, when mine has lost its way.

Road illuminated (Poem)

For years, it seems, I stumbled in a quagmire of knots and twisted alleyways.
For endless moments, it felt, 
I rubbed my eyes viciously with the heels of my palms,
crying for lucidity.
For sprawling sicknesses, coughing up fevered ambition tainted with selflessness,
I sought a cure for my emptiness.

Suddenly, the road I had been walking on became light-flooded.
Every direction, path, twist and turn illuminated.
My eyes dilated in surprise and fear,
horrified, for my future seemed certain to me.

I took three trembling paces into the searing light,
hands out in front of me searching for 
guidance,
a guide,
a seer in my blinding days. Anyone.
On my fourth step I took a turn into a side-street
and my world plunged back into darkness.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Chapter 10: Fishing for frustration

The echoes of my Atari's Space Invaders star-ship in it's death throes had barely died in my head when I was awakened by Lucas' mother at three a.m. I shook and picked the sleepy eye-boogers off my face, staring at my best friend as he quickly put on his "fishing weekend" clothes. "Wide-brimmed hat, check. Mosquito repellent, check. Tent, check. Flashlight, check. My special lures, check. (Uttering this, he cast a fond look at his fishing tackle box, settled neatly beside my plastic bag full of haphazardly placed fishing materials) Sun-lotion, check. He looked up at me with a crazed grin on his freckled face, his mandarin-orange hair in every direction like a firework drifting slowly down from the sky, and whispered: "Let's go." It was 3:05 a.m. and I wasn't even dressed.

... Now, clearly there are a variety of actions I could have done on a muggy August day, far clear and free of any sixth grade responsibilities. I could have watched old man Carlitos down the street ring his bells calling "Tio rico, tio rico!!!" while pushing a cart ancient as him, full of mouth-watering ice-cream. I could have sprinted ten blocks down from Lucas' house in Maracay and played on the rubber tire swing in the park, attached to a gigantic araguaney, which let us swing waaaaaay too far up for our own good. I could even have gone to parque del reposo and watched Senor CaƱa grind sugar cane stalks through his cart's tool, making the sweetest sugar cane juice you would ever have. Yet, the Hannah's are no fishing amateurs. They have and always will be the ultimate fisher-family to me. Nobody has the endurance, patience, skill, abandon and ludicrous luck to ensure such a catch as that epic frustrating weekend. And to think I joined. Me, a self-pronounced ADD student, non-stop talker and wildly antsy boy to boot. Now that's an amateur...

3:30 a.m. found myself, Lucas, and his parents closing the doors to their four door, wood-paneled Wagoneer station wagon in a rush to be out on the street. Still attempting to get dressed, I looked back into the cargo area, and saw it brimming and bristling with fishing gear, tents, food coolers stuffed with ice packs, flannel shirts hanging, stray mosquito repellent, mini-stoves, butane and every other thing minus the proverbial kitchen sink. Taken aback at the thought of when this must have been packed, I quickly sunk low into the comfortable cloth seat in the back, and began a bet with myself about when the sun would come up. Two hours later found me thwacking my head against the door window as it lolled itself awake, while Uncle Bob spoke in his unhurried, calm voice about how enormous the reservoir was, and how searing hot the sun could get during the 10 hours of fishing. Yet, behind that calm, lay undisguised joy at the upcoming adventure, a preternatural gleam coming out from beneath heavy eyebrows and spilling down over a bushy beard moving up and down slowly to his words. I looked over at Lucas. He had his window rolled down all the way and was leaned out a few inches over into the air, smelling the forest on either side as we bounced, jolted and jounced down a dirt path road big enough for...well, just us. "Oh boy," I murmured to no one in particular, as Uncle Bob relayed another pair of facts about heatstroke and getting there in time to catch the six a.m. crop of bass. I attempted to get a glimpse of their boat bounding down the dirt road behind us, yet couldn't see through the rising dust, Coleman lanterns and fishing rods blocking my view. 

"We're here!" Uncle Bob spoke with sheer excitement, as Lucas let out a whoop, shot out his side of the car and began to disconnect the wires and cables connecting boat to car. Gathering in their infectious excitement, I leapt out behind him, and began distributing gear according to Aunt Sandy's instructions. Again, I noticed how pitiful my bag of fishing supplies stood in the near-dawn darkness next to the Hannah's row of weather-beaten, sun-pounded and well-loved tackle boxes. Sigh, I had lost my own bet. Pitiful. 


"Gently now, gently now..." coaxed Uncle Bob, as we four slid their simple yet prized fiberglass boat for four into waters still as a magician's mirror. My feet slid and stuck in the muck as I gained a footing, and helped nudge the craft out a few feet into the docking area. Standing there silently, listening to Lucas's parents swiftly park and lock up the car, I stared out at what seemed an endless horizon of water cut ruthlessly short by the other side. Seconds later my view was swallowed effortlessly as the sun rose a half-inch above the water. Sunbeams sent the darkness scurrying, and the inky black turned into dark purple, royal blue and what Uncle Bob referred to simply as "fishin' color." Coolers loaded, rods adjusted and cinched down, food stowed carefully under the seats, we clambered aboard and gently nudged our boat out into the now quietly bobbing small waves that moments ago lapped at our feet. Uncle Bob turned on his ultra small, ultra quiet propeller "engine" and even as the mud still lay thick, sludgy and slowly drying around the soles of my feet, I could feel the tiny thrum of our boat heading out into the cool blueberry morning.  

...I am not made for sitting around hour after hour. I know this now after that adventure. Even more so, I am not made for sitting around quietly. The term "quiet" exists for me on a few levels and occasions. 1) Church sermon. 2) A crowded NYC subway car during rush hour. 3) the 13th straight hour awake on a trans-Pacific flight. That's about it.  The 10 hours sitting calmly in the prow of the Hannah's boat, watching them catch fish after fish after fish after fish......after fish, is enough to try even the stillest student. I am not that student. Nor am I a fisherman. Nor did I catch fish...

Five minutes passed at our first fishing hole, before the zzzzzzzzzwwwwwwweeeeeeee of Lucas's fishing rod sprang out into the spooky quiet morning, bringing in a 15 inch striped bass. (12 inches was the minimum in the Hannah family to earn the title "keeper.") "Awesome!" I exclaimed, netting it for him as it flopped against the side of our boat, and bringing it up in order to remove the hooks. 

Cooler: 1 fish. 6:30 a.m.





Moments later, not hours, Uncle Bob's fishing reel zzzzing'ed in tandem, netting a fish nearly clearing the 20'' mark. By 8 a.m., the cooler easily held 10 fish, and my line kept going out and coming in empty. Searing, boiling, empty-feeling-noon rolled around, and flipped lethargically over to evening a handful of hours later. Tents were pitched, fish were filleted and rolled in breading, cool water was poured over my red neck, dinner was eaten, lanterns were snuffed out, good nights were called across the small camping area.

Cooler: 45 fish; full. 9:30 p.m.
Brennan: 0 fish.

Sounding vaguely like another father I knew, Uncle Bob unzipped our lovely cocoon, and bustled Lucas and I out to another day of "fishing." At this point grumpiness was settling in, and Lucas began to comfortingly point out where I should throw my lure, how to fine-tune the twitching and flicking of the line in the water, and how I should alter my stance in the point in case of a catch. Moments after pulling up my lure (dare I say it? Empty), Lucas cast his lure in the same spot, the predictable zzzzzzzingging ending another frustrating moment for me. Close on noon, amidst "you can do this," "your turn will come Brennan," and "it won't be long 'till you get a big one," Uncle Bob caught a monster. His catch was so magnificent that I forgot my lethargy and sun-soaked sleepy feeling and clung to the side of the boat as his forty five minute battle ended with a 26'' flopping bass in the bottom of our boat. Problem: The coolers (plural) were full.

Coolers: Over 100, 4 p.m.
Brennan: 0 fish. 

To say my one fish catch an hour later was anticlimactic is an understatement. There were cheers, hooray's! and slaps on the back, but the mood had settled as deep into me as the fish laughing at me from below the murky waters. Besides, I had caught a piranha, shimmering iridescent purple and pink, amidst a pack on their way to devour prey. I nearly lost a finger to its slippery, biting, twisting and furious indignity at being caught by me of all people. Fact: You can't eat piranha's because they're too bony.

I know now that masters like the Hannah's are few and far between, and to their undying benefit, they helped me as much as possible. Even after handing over a 30 fish bribe to the security guards at the edge of the reservoir, our catch nearly cleared 100 fish, and to their cries of "next month! next month!" to the guards, I simply looked down at my hands. Caked, cracked, smelling of mud, algae and scales, I shook my head and merely smiled, remembering how the piranha pack had shifted and swung to another direction as I pulled mine up. A purple rainbow moving in unison, an elusive art.



Island bicycle (Poem)

My mind raced spun and clicked
through paths flanked in wheat grass,
barley the color of an almond sunset,
trees older than happiness.

My feet spun like planets around their masters.
My smile serenely slid across my face,
nonsense notes from my throat 
joining the unfettered warble of island birds
as they watched me,
curiously turning tiny heads towards my bicycle,
becoming a metal streak in a landscape unscratched by human lines.

Meters forward I encountered her.
For a hiccup-small second
she splashed my sight with a wave.

Hair the color of a summer's dusk
smile three horizons wide
laughter like a wind-chime
loosely buttoned shirt flapping, osprey-white.

Later, in the village tavern I listened.
Muted plates and warm coffee mugs
were a soft music behind lowered voices, and
I asked two men old as oceans
whether they had ever seen my vision.
I got baffled looks in return.

My mind stumbled,
missing a gear
imperceptible failure, 
and when I turned to the empty space beside me,
a glass of ox-blood red wine in hand,
deeper than cliff crags,
and spicier than a Moroccan autumn,
I sighed a thousand longings away
and quietly finished my meal.

Moon into midnight (Poem)

A hurtfully cold night,
raw naked moonshine.
"Come here, baby"
aching smile full of love, tenderness.
Arms encircling her,
pulling flax and honey colored hair my way, tenderly,
feeling her shiver beneath my fingertips.

I feel ages of loneliness drift away
"I missed you" kissing her ear with a whisper
turning my shape to fit into hers, a moon into midnight.

I awaken
holding wispy thoughts in my arms
and watch them leave my bed,
feeling miniature oceans flecked with salt
roll silently in high tide down my cheeks.